ANCESTOR MEMORIAL DAY is 2nd November

The Funeral of my Relative in Vietnamese Culture

My Father is the eldest son in the family with one brother and one sister. My Grandma died 52 years ago when my Father was 38 years old. Since then Grandpa has lived with my family.

I can remember that, at that time, my Grandpa was very sick. He told me to go quickly to call my Father, Auntie and Uncle, and gather his grandchildren, including me.

We all came and stood around his bedside and listened to him speak his final words. He spoke slowly in a weak voice. "You must all stick together and love each other, do not separate". Then he asked everyone standing around at the bedside. "Do you understand what I am saying?".

After that, he put up his hand, as a signal for me to pick up his will from the bedside drawer and pass it to him. Grandpa had already written the will when he had good health. He held it in his hand for a few seconds then gave it to my Father and said lightly to everyone present. "Please do exactly as I have written. After I die, please do not squabble with each other".

His will divided all the paddies, paddocks, houses, goods and all his belongings between my Father, my Auntie and my Uncle.

My Auntie started to cry loudly, but my Grandpa raised his hand for her to stop and said: "Don't be sad, this has been enough for me. Let me go". Then he breathed out strongly a few times and slowly closed his eyes, his breath stopped, his head dropped to one side. My father said loudly to him. "Dad! Why did you go?" And his tears started to flow, as did those of my relatives.

We knew my Grandpa had passed away, but we wanted to make sure his breath had completely stopped. My Dad got two pieces of cotton, rounded them and put them at the front of Grandpa's nostril and looked at them, but they were motionlessness. My Dad turned and said to my relatives that Grandpa was gone.

Then my Dad dipped his fingers in a glass of wine made and rubbed his fingers onto Grandpa's mouth and eyelids so that his eyes close tightly together and his mouth too. My father also laid Grandpa's arms and legs down straight, and then he covered Grandpa's body with a long white sheet of fabric and let him lie alone with two lit candles on either side of his body until the next day.

My Dad told my relatives: "Do not let any cats in, keep them away”, it is believed that cats have a kind of electromagnet, which sometimes can disturb the corpse.

Funeral Procession:

The neighbours had heard my Auntie cry. They quickly came to offer their condolences. This news had quickly spread around the village

The ladies came to help my Mum tidy the house and prepare the things that were needed for the funeral procession later on. My Uncle and his cousin went to the funeral parlour to choose and buy a coffin suitable for Grandpa.

The coffin was made of four pieces of wooden board to form as a rectangular box with two squares at the top and end.

My Dad's cousin went to the cemetery to look for a place to bury Grandpa. It was to be close to our great Grandparents and our Great Uncle’s tomb and especially next to my Grandmother's tomb. It was the perfect place for my Grandpa to rest in peace.

The cemetery is located at the south end of the church. It is about 400m from the church and belongs to our parish. Any parish member is eligible to be buried there.

Twenty-four hours after the death of my Grandpa, the plans had been made for the funeral. All of my relatives were to be present at my home. The time for the shroud came.

Before my Grandpa's body was laid in the coffin, my relatives washed his body, dressed him and tied his arms down besides him with his body and his legs as well at the ankles and the two big toes. The chapel keeper read the prayers and blessed the coffin with holy water. After that, the body was wrapped in a shroud by my relatives, and then they laid him in the coffin. Inside the coffin was a spread of dry tea leaves.

After the body of my Grandpa was laid in the coffin, the people moved the coffin to the centre of a tent. The tent had been erected at the front of my house a few hours after the death of Grandpa by the villagers.

The coffin was laid there on two stands for the next two days to wait for more relatives to come. Grandpa's portrait was displayed on the first step on the lower altar. On the second step was an incense burner and on top of that a pot of joss sticks. On each side of the coffin was a dish of fruit and the coffin was light up with four high red candles burning along both sides of the coffin and some wreaths.

My Father and Uncle stood on either side of the coffin and wore long white robes; white veils covered their heads.

It was time for the viewing. Many visitors came, they kowtowed to my Grandpa. My Dad and Uncle prostrated each time in return to the visitor as a sign of respect and gratitude.

The body was laid out for three days in my home. My Grandpa was brought to the church for a mass and blessing before interment.

Before the pallbearers lifted the coffin, my Mother placed some money on the top centre of the coffin, and then she put a full glass of wine on top of the money. That was the reward for the pallbearers encouraging them to carry the coffin carefully to and from the hearse, the church and the cemetery. This is so because it is believed that the dead is sleeping in peace, we should not wake them.

It was time to move the coffin. My Dad stood by himself at front of the coffin, because he was the eldest. Immediately after were my eldest brother and my two cousins standing on either side of him. My Brother held Grandpa's portrait in front of his chest. My two cousins each held a burning joss stick in joined hands and raised upraised arms. In front of them there was a traditional music being played.

Outside the house, over four hundred people queued on the street ready for the procession. Each group had flags in black and white.

My relatives took a clay cooking pot and smashed it on the floor; the shatters would drive away the bad spirits. This is done just at the time the pallbearers lifted and moved the coffin.

While the pallbearers were slowly carrying the coffin, my dad walked backwards in the same direction of the moving coffin with a long walking stick in his right hand. He did this from my home to the church and the cemetery as a sign of grief. Following the coffin were my relatives in mourning.

When Grandpa's coffin arrived at the church, the parish priest was already waiting at the front door. He greeted the coffin and saddened family. Following him were the graveside pallbearers with grandpa's coffin in their hands, they moved it close to the altar. The coffin was placed on two stands. The priest began the Holy Mass and in his homily he gave the eulogy about the life of my Grandpa. Before the mass finished he prayed and blessed the coffin with holy water and incense. After the Mass my Grandpa was carried to the cemetery for burial.

At the cemetery, Grandpa's coffin was laid on two bars across the deep rectangular hole for the final blessing. Then a representative member of the different groups in our parish would come forward to the grave's end and give my Grandpa their funeral orations to say farewell. After that, two ropes hung at both ends of the coffin which were held by eight pallbearers, was slowly lowered into the ground. Two pallbearers held each end of the ropes and slowly they loosed them down until the coffin reached the bottom. At that time there was much loud mourning from my relatives; also the tears of those in attendance started flow.

Then the people at the funeral slowly came forward one by one and sprinkle handfuls of dust onto the coffin. When the last person had left, the pallbearers filled the hole until grandpa’s grave was formed.

My father erected the Holy Cross on Grandpa's grave where his head was and then walked home in silence.

After the funeral procession, most of the people who attended the funeral were invited to my home for light refreshments before they went home.

In the evening, our village people came back to my home for three nights to pray for my Grandpa's soul.

A hundred days after the death of my Grandpa, we had a commemoration Mass to pray for him. Some of my relatives and my Father went to cemetery to refill the soil on my Grandpa's grave.

My Father, Uncle and Auntie were required to wear either a white or black band around their head with or a band around their upper arms for three years. The grandchildren and great grandchildren wore a band around the head only, but they had a little round spot on their forehead with different colours, each symbolising a different generation (yellow spot on white band or yellow band for great grandchildren, red spot on white band or red band for great, great grandchildren).

It is the custom that after an elder’s death; the children must wear a band out of respect for them. This even applies to husbands or wives. If one of them dies, the other has to wear a band and is not allowed to re-marry for three years.

Three years later, all the members of my Grandpa's family, friends and the village people went to a memorial Mass and had a party which is called: "The end of mourning ceremony." After that my Father, Uncle and Auntie were no long required to wear the band, but every year my family gathers together to pray in memory of my Grandparents, great Grandparents and relatives who have passed away.

Prepared by Joseph Vinh Nguyen